Mumble Jumble

“Your love is different from mine. What I mean is, when you close your eyes, for that moment, the center of the universe comes to reside within you. And you become a small figure within the vastness, which spreads without limit behind you, and continues to expand at tremendous speed, to engulf all of my past, even before I was born, and every word I’ve ever written, and each view I’ve seen, and all the constellations, and the darkness of outer space that surrounds the small blue ball that is earth. Then, when you open your eyes, all that disappears.

I anticipate the next time you are troubled and must close your eyes again.

The way we think may be completely different, but you and I are an ancient archetypal couple, the original man and woman. We are the model for Adam and Eve. For all couples in love, there comes a moment when a man gazes at a woman with the very same kind of realization. It is an infinite helix, the dance of two souls resonating, like the twist of DNA, like the vast universe.”

1. Finish writing my story

2. Look up the date for when Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part Two comes out on dvd.

3. I like the way my words look when I write them with a sharpie.

4. Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning) by Vertical Horizon

5. Find out what the difference between Grey and Gray is

6. I hate the word Flesh

7. Take out the trash

8. Black and White pictures of worn out and empty benchs are so beautiful and lonely

9. Never drink two cups of coffee while on Adderall again

10. Quit procrastinating for the GRE

11. A list within a list: Ten People I Would Love To meet

     1. Jennifer Aniston

     2. J. K. Rowling

     3. Chris Colfer

     4. Michael Knight

     5. Jane Lynch

     6. Britney Spears

     7. Chelsea Handler

     8. Lady Gaga

     9. Justin Timberlake

    10. Anderson Cooper

12. I love my family and wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world.

13. Shaving my legs is a chore I despise doing

14. Modern Family

15. Could I move to another state where I know no one?

16. The number 15 is my lucky number.

17. I love wearing boots and I hate wearing pants

18. I have an obsessive personality

19. “Powerful and pervasive, stigma prevents people from acknowledging their own mental health problems, much less disclosing them to others”

20. It bothers me when the volume on the tv or radio is not on a multiple of five.

“Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering. When they were ten he asked her to marry him. When they were eleven he kissed her for the first time. When they were thirteen they got into a fight and for three weeks they didn’t talk. When they were fifteen she showed him the scar on her left breast. Their love was a secret they told no one. He promised her he would never love another girl as long as he lived.

‘What if I die?’ she asked.

‘Even then,’ he said.

For her sixteenth birthday he gave her an english dictionary and together they learned the words.

‘What’s this?’ he asked, tracing his index finger around her ankle, and she’d look it up.

‘And this?’ he’d ask, kissing her elbow.

‘Elbow! What kind of word is that?’ and then he’d lick it, making her giggle.

‘What about this?’ he’d ask, touching the soft skin behind her ear.

‘I don’t know,’ she said, turning off the light and rolling over, with a sigh, onto her back. When they were seventeen they made love for the first time, on a bed of straw in a shed. Later— when things happened that they could never have imagined— she wrote him a letter that said:

‘When will you learn that there isn’t a word for everything?’”

I am proud to say that, as of April 1st, 2011, I am a published writer. My short story “Ashes From the Closet,” was published in the online journal Grey Sparrow’s, which was named Best New Literary Journal of the Year in January, Spring issue. This may not seem like that much of an accomplishment to many of you, but to me it is huge. Ever since I was young, I have loved to tell stories. I exagerate everything and turn very common accurances in my daily life into huge tales. I cant help it. I love tellling stories, even I have embellished them to make them more interesting. My sophomore year of college, I began taking creative writing classes and I realized that I could take my annoying habbit and turn it into something more. With the help of my amazing Professor, Forrest Anderson, who I will be indebted to forever for encouraging and believing in me, I finished my first short story, “Ashes From the Closet.” I have never been more proud of anything I have created. I sent it out to several publications, and in the fall Grey Sparrow told me they would love to publish my story. I cant explain how it feels to know that other people in the world think what you have written is important and that your story is worth telling. I realize that it is just a small online journal and that I am no J.K. Rowling, but it means the world to me.

To me, Writing is like one huge therapy session. As I have grown older, I have found it harder and harder to talk about my feelings. I don’t like to talk about my emotions and how I am feeling. I am too scared to share my feelings with others. When I do try, my hearts starts pounding and my hands start shaking. My voice is shaky and sometimes feel like throwing up. I am scared that if I tell people what I am truly feeling they will think I am dumb, or not feel the same way, or leave me. I am terrified that people will reject me. I am scared of making myself vulnerable because I do not want to get hurt. It is an irrational fear that has become worse and worse because I have refused to deal with it and talk about my feelings. I keep all of my emotions on the inside, hiding from them and pretending that they dont exisit and that I am happy. Unfortunately, I am setting myself up for hurt because it hurts my relationships when I am never honest with the people I care about. How are they supposed to know how to deal with me when I never tell them how I feel? That being said, for some reason what I am too scared to say out loud, I have no fear writing down. Writing is a huge release for me. I can write down all of my thoughts and feelings with out being worried about people rejecting them. I can create characters and express my emotions through them. I can deal with my problems and sadness through my characters, because even though it is how I feel, it is them speaking and not me. Writing is my way of dealing with life and my feelings towards life. That is why it means so much to me that people see importance in my writing and stories.

I’m happiest when most away

I can bear my soul from it’s home of clay

On a windy night when the moon is bright

And the eye can wander through worlds of light-

When I am not and none beside-

Nor earth nor sea nor cloudless sky-

But only spirit wandering wide

Through infinite immensity.